Silly Tea Leaves

hey, i feel lonelier each day every night, i get more lonely than ever the medicine indeed helps me to be more functional as a human being, you know, to sleep, eat and interact with each other like a normal human being, but the loneliness creeps even deeper every night and i have no one to share it with i have nobody to talk to i have nobody who would understand the pain i have nobody who loves me if you ask me if i still have suicidal tendencies, indeed i still do i still think about ending my life at least like 50 times every day, (lol i dont know how many times, because i simply think about it all the time) i am just so lonely and i feel like everyone will be better without me everything will be better without me nobody loves me anyway nobody needs me anyway i want to die i really want to just disappear what's the point of living if i have no one to share anything anymore every time i am thinking about death, i feel peace every time i think about cutting ...

from what i've learned, from myself and from some of my friends for the past few years, when we seek for help to our closest ones, when we tell stories to them, whine, or even cry to them, when we show our weakness in sake of seeking for help, when we finally go to professional and take our meds, that is actually when we are at our strongest points, because we finally dare to seek for help justru, when we are starting to drift off by ourselves, menjauh dari semuanya, dan memilih untuk diam, that is when we finally reach our lowest point. it is not the cry that shows our white flags, it is the silence. because we dont even try to seek for help anymore. because we dont even try to reach out for hands anymore. the silence is the sign when we get to drown, and we don't even want anyone else to know that we are drowning that's why, if you find some people on your social media, like your friends, who still show the weakness to seek for help, damn your lucky, it means you can...

hi, i just finished writing up some letters so when i finally decide to do it, my last words have already written in those letters but first, let me say that, hey, it has been a long time i havent written anything in here haha why? because i was getting better for the past two weeks i could finally sleep i could finally eat i could finally... mm, meet and talk to people? alright for the last one i really, really, really have to put so much efforts to do so i still tremble and feel suffocate when i meet and talk to people, even my closest ones but hey, i gotta do it, right? gak peduli segimana sakitnya, i still gotta do it and then, for the past one week, it all came again the anxiety, the depression, it is creeping me all over again it is eating me all over again from the inside but hey, once again, gak peduli segimana sakitnya, i still gotta do it gue juga sebenernya enggak enak badan dari Kamis pagi muntah-muntah dan beler deh pokoknya h...

my head hurts so bad last night. like, so bad, so bad. sehingga gue yang biasanya enggak bisa tidur, maksain diri buat tidur cepet semalem, sekitar jam setengah sembilan. itu pun enggak langsung ketiduran sih, but i finally was able to sleep sehingga kepala gue enggak kerasa sakit lagi. later, gue kebangun sekitar jam satu. pas bangun, kepala masih rada sakit tapi enggak sesakit pas sebelum tidur. gue gak suka banget kebangun gitu because it takes so much effort and surviving suffocation just to be able to fall asleep again untungnya, kemarin pagi gue dapet info dari runni sehingga gue akhirnya nemuin obat-obat yang gue butuhin. i dont know how long i can stand this headache, lack of sleep and suffocation. i hope i will get better soon.

- i dont want to make my mom sad - i dont want to be bothersome - pemakaman, tahlilan, mahal - i dont want to make my husband even more angry - harus bantu biayain kuliah mas adib - udah janji mau ngeumrohin nyokap - harus nemenin mas adib di oz, it is hard to live all alone there - i miss my husband. i just want to see him and hug him one more time

this afternoon, i had a call with someone and i felt suffocated for the whole call. after the call ended, the suffocation got worse. when i got better, i checked my phone and saw a notification on Twitter which made me open that apps. then, i suddenly saw this tweet on my timeline that tweet made me cry again, but i felt a little bit relieved. every day, i feel so lonely because nobody knows how it feels. but seeing that tweet, the dark cloud of loneliness kind of gone a little bit. of course it hurts every day. of course i will not get pats on the back for surviving this shit every single day. but that's okay, because knowing that i'm not the only one getting through this, makes me feel like one day i might survive and finally feel okay again

hi, blog-ku aku ingin banget cerita tentang hari ini tapi aku enggak tau aku bisa cerita ke siapa so, i am coming back to you again maaf, ya hari ini aku udah bertekad memberanikan diri untuk minum obat karena memang kondisiku bukannya membaik, malah jadi makin parah karena aku enggak mau minum obat sehingga aku mulai keliling lagi cari obat sebenarnya sebelumnya aku udah ke tiga apotek, tapi sayangnya enggak ada obatnya jadi hari ini aku coba ke tiga apotek lain, yaitu ke farmasi rsui, kimia farma dan zentrum sayangnya, ketika tadi aku di kimia farma margonda, there's something happened jadi aku udah taro resepku di kotak resep terus aku tunggu sampai namaku dipanggil aku tunggu, sampai empat puluh tiga menit [karena memang banyak orang jadi agak lama] tapi kok, namaku enggak dipanggil-panggil akhirnya aku ke kasir buat tanya apakah obatku udah siap mbaknya malah bingung.... aku bilang, "resep yang dari rscm mbak." mbaknya panik ke...