suffocated

hey,

i said hey to nobody anyways

gue nulis di sini karena gue tau nobody reads my blog nowadays

gue udah jarang blogging hehe
gue juga udah ngehapus alamat blog gue dari profile instagram

so nobody will visit my blog

so i am free to write what i want here

suffocated

i've been feeling that way for the past three years

though i hide it all the time

karena toh, percuma juga gue cerita

nobody will understand, kan

and i hate those mengasihani eyes anyways

so i better keep it all inside myself, since 2016

i can be hanging out with friends at noon

but i'll wake up with cold sweats and suffocated at three am in the morning

bahkan ketika gue tinggal di asrama dua tahun

nobody knows that i often wake up suffocated

or waking up crying,

and closing my ears,

because my head is so noisy

it is not their fault at all that they dont know

because i indeed never tell anyone and never say anything about how i feel

nobody understands, it is the truth

pernah gue akhirnya ngeberaniin diri buat coba cerita tentang ini ke seseorang
i pour my heart out, gue mencoba jujur about my condition

but they just tell me to get over it and 'gimana mau bahagiain orang lain kalau kamu aja belum selesai sama diri kamu sendiri'

which is true, kok
itu bener banget, i agree

how come i want to make people happy

kalau gue aja belum selesai sama diri gue sendiri, kan

but thats why i give up telling how i feel to other people

because they will never understands anyway
and mereka juga gak akan nyaman dengerin cerita gue
they don't even want to know
and they never care
which is why i prefer to keep it all inside by myself
which is not their fault at all
i am just a burden, indeed

mungkin, yg kita butuhin tuh,

cuma telinga yg mau mendengarkan tanpa prejudice

cuma kata-kata kayak, 'hey, it's alright'

or, 'hey, youre not alone.'

dont get me wrong

i never, ever, need anyone else to fix me

maybe, i just need someone to stay by my side while i fix myself

but maybe its all too late

karena sekarang bahkan gue udah gak punya tenanga to reach out for help

mungkin, karena gue gak mau ngerepotin siapa pun lagi

mungkin, karena gue gak mau orang ngeliat gue dengan tatapan kecewa, karena gue gak sekuat yang mereka kira

mungkin, karena gue udah terlalu banyak mengecewakan

it feels hurt to even breathe

it feels hurt to even stay right here

i am a failure anyway

i am a burden anyway

udah gak kehitung sih, how many times i feel it is far better if i just disappear

because i know people will be far happier without me

i know ive been like this for years

tapi bukan berarti gue gak ngapa-ngapain, sih

gue ke BKM kok, all these years, my therapist there knows my stories

gue di asrama, for two years, which means ibadah gue insyaAllah jalan terus

but still,

it is hard to breathe

i know i am so talkactive out there
i am cheerful
showing to other people that i am alright
because thats what i want, kok
i dont want to be burden to other people

even though,

entah kapan terakhir kali

gue bangun tidur,

dan ngejalanin semua ini tanpa ngerasa sesak

if i want anything in this world

i just want to feel okay again