Silly Tea Leaves

hey, i feel lonelier each day every night, i get more lonely than ever the medicine indeed helps me to be more functional as a human being, you know, to sleep, eat and interact with each other like a normal human being, but the loneliness creeps even deeper every night and i have no one to share it with i have nobody to talk to i have nobody who would understand the pain i have nobody who loves me if you ask me if i still have suicidal tendencies, indeed i still do i still think about ending my life at least like 50 times every day, (lol i dont know how many times, because i simply think about it all the time) i am just so lonely and i feel like everyone will be better without me everything will be better without me nobody loves me anyway nobody needs me anyway i want to die i really want to just disappear what's the point of living if i have no one to share anything anymore every time i am thinking about death, i feel peace every time i think about cutting ...

from what i've learned, from myself and from some of my friends for the past few years, when we seek for help to our closest ones, when we tell stories to them, whine, or even cry to them, when we show our weakness in sake of seeking for help, when we finally go to professional and take our meds, that is actually when we are at our strongest points, because we finally dare to seek for help justru, when we are starting to drift off by ourselves, menjauh dari semuanya, dan memilih untuk diam, that is when we finally reach our lowest point. it is not the cry that shows our white flags, it is the silence. because we dont even try to seek for help anymore. because we dont even try to reach out for hands anymore. the silence is the sign when we get to drown, and we don't even want anyone else to know that we are drowning that's why, if you find some people on your social media, like your friends, who still show the weakness to seek for help, damn your lucky, it means you can...

hi, i just finished writing up some letters so when i finally decide to do it, my last words have already written in those letters but first, let me say that, hey, it has been a long time i havent written anything in here haha why? because i was getting better for the past two weeks i could finally sleep i could finally eat i could finally... mm, meet and talk to people? alright for the last one i really, really, really have to put so much efforts to do so i still tremble and feel suffocate when i meet and talk to people, even my closest ones but hey, i gotta do it, right? gak peduli segimana sakitnya, i still gotta do it and then, for the past one week, it all came again the anxiety, the depression, it is creeping me all over again it is eating me all over again from the inside but hey, once again, gak peduli segimana sakitnya, i still gotta do it gue juga sebenernya enggak enak badan dari Kamis pagi muntah-muntah dan beler deh pokoknya h...

my head hurts so bad last night. like, so bad, so bad. sehingga gue yang biasanya enggak bisa tidur, maksain diri buat tidur cepet semalem, sekitar jam setengah sembilan. itu pun enggak langsung ketiduran sih, but i finally was able to sleep sehingga kepala gue enggak kerasa sakit lagi. later, gue kebangun sekitar jam satu. pas bangun, kepala masih rada sakit tapi enggak sesakit pas sebelum tidur. gue gak suka banget kebangun gitu because it takes so much effort and surviving suffocation just to be able to fall asleep again untungnya, kemarin pagi gue dapet info dari runni sehingga gue akhirnya nemuin obat-obat yang gue butuhin. i dont know how long i can stand this headache, lack of sleep and suffocation. i hope i will get better soon.

- i dont want to make my mom sad - i dont want to be bothersome - pemakaman, tahlilan, mahal - i dont want to make my husband even more angry - harus bantu biayain kuliah mas adib - udah janji mau ngeumrohin nyokap - harus nemenin mas adib di oz, it is hard to live all alone there - i miss my husband. i just want to see him and hug him one more time

this afternoon, i had a call with someone and i felt suffocated for the whole call. after the call ended, the suffocation got worse. when i got better, i checked my phone and saw a notification on Twitter which made me open that apps. then, i suddenly saw this tweet on my timeline that tweet made me cry again, but i felt a little bit relieved. every day, i feel so lonely because nobody knows how it feels. but seeing that tweet, the dark cloud of loneliness kind of gone a little bit. of course it hurts every day. of course i will not get pats on the back for surviving this shit every single day. but that's okay, because knowing that i'm not the only one getting through this, makes me feel like one day i might survive and finally feel okay again

hi, blog-ku aku ingin banget cerita tentang hari ini tapi aku enggak tau aku bisa cerita ke siapa so, i am coming back to you again maaf, ya hari ini aku udah bertekad memberanikan diri untuk minum obat karena memang kondisiku bukannya membaik, malah jadi makin parah karena aku enggak mau minum obat sehingga aku mulai keliling lagi cari obat sebenarnya sebelumnya aku udah ke tiga apotek, tapi sayangnya enggak ada obatnya jadi hari ini aku coba ke tiga apotek lain, yaitu ke farmasi rsui, kimia farma dan zentrum sayangnya, ketika tadi aku di kimia farma margonda, there's something happened jadi aku udah taro resepku di kotak resep terus aku tunggu sampai namaku dipanggil aku tunggu, sampai empat puluh tiga menit [karena memang banyak orang jadi agak lama] tapi kok, namaku enggak dipanggil-panggil akhirnya aku ke kasir buat tanya apakah obatku udah siap mbaknya malah bingung.... aku bilang, "resep yang dari rscm mbak." mbaknya panik ke...

so yes i use twitter quite a lot since 2011. and one thing that i realize is, my account is exactly the same as i am. kenapa? karena apa yang ingin gue tunjukkan ke dunia dan apa yang sebenarnya gue rasakan adalah dua hal yg sangat berbeda. di twitter, sesuatu yg kalian retweet akan muncul di timeline followers kalian. misalnya kalau gue ngetweet atau ngeretweet tentang bts, itu akan muncul di timeline followers gue. beda halnya dengan tweet yg kita love. tweets tersebut enggak akan muncul di timeline followers kita, dia cuma akan stay di list likes kita. dan, i believe gak ada orang yg iseng ngecek tweets yg gue like hahaha soalnya gue bukan selebtweet these are the kind of tweets i retweet and these are the kind of tweets i like and many more, all listed on the tweets i like on my twitter account. i love how i can be completely honest on the tweets i like because i know nobody cares about it because it doesnt appear on the timeline

beberapa kali mbak ika pernah tanya, "siapa yang tau tentang kondisi kamu?" atau "kenapa kamu gak pernah ceritain kondisi kamu ke orang lain?" dan jawaban saya adalah, "aku gak suka cerita-cerita tentang kondisiku. lebih baik langsung ke professional aja. it is true, it took me two and a half years to finally tell someone else [other than mbak ika] tentang kondisiku. why did it take that long? it is because i dont like telling people about it. why didnt i like telling people about it? yesterday i found a tweet that answer that question perfectly, which is: yes, the problem with a cry for help is when people answer. i totally understand that most people who never have clinical depression, anxiety or suicidal tendencies will not understand how it feels, and of course i don't hope them to understand. none of it will make sense for them, and will only make them exhausted if they force themselves to understand. that's why, in my opinion, pretending...

selama seminggu terakhir, gue udah mulai bisa tidur [well at least i can fall asleep past midnight jadi paling enggak i get 4 hours of sleep every day]. tapi semalem, the awakeness came again, i cant sleep. once i fell asleep, i woke up at 01.30 am. then i just stayed like that, wasnt able to get back to sleep honestly, it frustrates me so much. i miss those days, when i just can fall asleep easily. i miss my husband. i feel like i can fall asleep easily if he hugs me. i hope those days, when i can fall asleep easily, can come back to me soon. if you guys have experience sleeping problems, you guys know how exhausting and painful it is. gue pernah juga punya sleeping problem, yaitu ketika semester pertama kuliah, but then i can overcome it. even though it sometimes came back selama gue di RK, tapi enggak sesering dulu ketika semester pertama. but now it came again, more often and more intense. it is indeed so exhausting. it makes you dont want to wake up anymore once...

at the end of the day, i always hurt and disappoint people i love the most then i end up hating myself even more for it i really am the worst human being why am i still alive then i don't deserve it

"Depression can make colors seem less vivid, food seem less flavorful, and days seem less meaningful.  Your vision is narrowed. You internalize thoughts of “never enough” and unworthiness. You’re not able to see the joy of living anymore.  As Andrew Solomon once said,  The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality.  In his book,   Noonday Demon , he describes depression like so:  It is the aloneness within us made manifest, and it destroys not only connection to others but also the ability to be peacefully alone with oneself. What he’s hinting at is loneliness. It’s the sense that you are alone in your suffering, and your ceaseless self-torment can make even the simplest functions of life unbearable.  There is no rest. Not when you are your own worst enemy. With self-knowledge, you come to see the very brightest aspects of your personality. And you become familiar with your darkness.  Depression makes it so that you have tunnel ...

i often get headache but it is getting more often nowadays the world is just so noisy, and loud it makes my headache gets even worse i really want to shut it all down should i shut the world down? or should i just shut myself down, forever?

there are several reasons why i cant sleep but it is more likely because the voices inside my head is getting louder, and louder then all of those make me cant breathe and give me huge headache do you guys know the feeling of wanting to shout for help? like, my face can be expressionless or smiling or laughing to people but deep inside i really want to shout for help but, i hate telling about my condition to people because it takes so much energy and even more anxious based on my experience [with myself], people with anxiety will never like telling people about how they have anxiety because it will make them more anxious and even cant breathe same with, people with depression will never like telling people about how they have clinical depression because telling all those need a lot of energy same with, people with suicidal tendencies will never like telling people about how they have suicidal tendencies because telling all those will trigger the thoughts and the make t...

i cant sleep whenever i close my eyes, the voices inside my head is getting louder and more real then i will start to suffocate i really miss those days when i can just fall asleep easily maybe its because i was sleeping next to my husband so i get somebody to hold on or somebody that holds me [that really helps me to sleep] for the past several months, i can even barely fall asleep and the night time is getting worse and worse i don't know how long i can endure it...

dua akun yang paling sering gue tonton di youtube adalah ted-ed dan snl. dua-duanya adalah bawaan kebiasaan waktu gue di amerika; karena gue suka nonton snl di tv dan karena gue suka animasi yg berfaedah ala ted-ed. somehow, hari ini gue came across an old video dari ted-ed, yaitu video ted-ed yang 'what is depression?' i have watched this video years ago but somehow it popped up on again on my account. akhirnya tadi gue rewatched video itu dan.... i hate to admit that every. single. words. that. are. delivered. in the. video. are. all. super. true. and. accurate... i hate to admit that but that's the truth. semua kata dan informasi yang disampaikan bener-bener mewakili kondisi gue dan apa yang gue rasain. mewakili banget kondisi gue yang sangat enggak bisa gue jelasin ke orang-orang sekitar gue, karena, percuma, menurut gue mereka enggak akan paham, kan? people who never experienced clinical depression will never understand how it feels like... dan pasti melelahkan jug...

sesak, lagi emang udah bertahun-tahun gue kayak gini tapi kenapa, semakin ke sini, frekuensinya semakin sering dan konteksnya udah gak situasional lagi... gue bisa lagi di grab, dan tiba-tiba trembling atau lagi duduk di depan laptop, kemudian tiba-tiba sesak nafas lagi atau lagi ngobrol sama teman, dan tiba-tiba gak kuat ingin ngeringkuk ingin sekali bisa melalui satu hari, di mana gue bisa berkegiatan normal tanpa tiba-tiba trembling dan sesek nafas sampai pengen duduk ngeringkuk di mana gue bisa jatuh tertidur dan bangun tidur tanpa ngerasa sesak semoga hari itu bisa datang karena lama kelamaan, aku semakin gak kuat

i am simply losing my grips for the past one week i am walking around, meeting people, but i am not really there i am laughing and making people laugh, but i cant feel anything inside i just don't remember when was the last time i wake up in peace and walking, talking, laughing as I really am

sunyi, mas segelap apapun hariku, biasanya fokusku bisa teralihkan kalau aku lagi sama teman tapi kali ini sunyinya masih ada, mas aku yang tadinya ngerasa sesak dan blur, biasanya bisa ngerasa netral kalau aku enggak sendirian tapi akhir-akhir ini, aku tetap ngerasa sunyi sekaligus berisik, mas fokusku gak bisa lagi teralihkan aku takut, mas sesak, mas, sesak banget semua terasa sunyi sekaligus berisik di waktu yang bersamaan, mas i cannot even grasp the reality anymore mas, i just want to end all these suffocation and pain, mas if ending me can end the pain, i would love to do it, mas

alasan bertahan? apa ya... aku hampir gak punya alasan bertahan sih, kalau aku boleh jujur. mungkin lebih ke... aku takut ngerepotin dan takut making a fuss aja kalau diriku pergi ribet kan, harus ngurus ini itu. mungkin bakal making a fuss juga dan (ujung2nya) bikin repot orang2 terdekat, kan... atau... karena aku gak mau liat mama nangis gak mau liat mama sedih tapi, toh selama ini aku memang udah sering bikin mama sedih so maybe she will be better without me, kan? mas adib, apa dia bakal sedih? aku gak tau but he is indeed a very great man jadi, mungkin dia akan sedih paling lama satu hari dan besoknya dia udah biasa lagi seakan enggak terjadi apa2 life goes on anyway, kan? so of course he will be okay and my departure will be just such a small inconvenience for him i dont even know, apakah selama ini i have ever matter for him kalau aku, i do love him, very much he will always be the person i love the most and the one who matters the most for me i love every s...

hey, so i have had eating problems for the past two months. i simply cannot eat. bukan karena sedang diet atau gimana, simply karena enggak ngerasa laper aja. pun ketika akhirnya makan, biasanya aku mual atau bahkan muntah [kalau yang ini kemungkinan besar karena maag]. there are some days di mana rasanya aku enggak peduli. ada beberapa minggu di mana aku makan cuma sehari sekali, simply because i'm not hungry and i don't care. berat badanku turun sampai 7 kilo. wah, seorang devita, yang defaultnya makan 4 kali sehari, bisa gak semangat makan? hey, gimana ceritanya? but, let's focus on the effort to heal, ya, haha. jadi guys, kalau diturutin mah, gue bisa gak makan seharian. tapi itu gak baik, kan, buat tubuh? sehingga gue mulai berusaha untuk maksain diri gue buat makan. gak selera kek, gak ngerasa laper kek, atau kerasa mual kek, ayo pokoknya harus makan. gimana caranya? sebenarnya, treatment buat masing-masing orang pasti beda. tapi, aku share caraku yaa, siapa ta...

hey, kita semua pasti punya beberapa lagu yang ngebuat kita ngerasa lebih tenang i do too by listening to those songs, i breathe better and it gives me hope that everything will be okay what are those songs? *** 1. Lee Hi - Breathe Take a deep breath Until both sides of your heart get numb Until it hurts a little Let out your breath even more Until you feel Like there’s nothing left inside It’s alright if you run out of breath No one will blame you It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes Because anyone can do so Although comforting by saying it’s alright Are just words Someone’s breath. That heavy breath How can I see through that? Though I can’t understand your breath It’s alright I’ll hold you It’s alright if you run out of breath No one will blame you It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes Because anyone can do so Although comforting by saying it’s alright Are just words Someone’s breath. That heavy breath How can I see through that? Though I can’t understand ...